"Bad Behaviours"

For so long, I judged my "bad behaviours" very harshly. When I was stuck in a stress state of freeze, I called

myself lazy. When I was trying to plan everything to the minutest detail - I was being over-controlling. And when I was continually sidetracked by rumination, I called myself chronically anxious and slapped on all the negative connotations that that "coping mode" brought with it.

Over time, I learned something crucial: these traits were not "bad," they were actually protective.

That’s why I now refer to them as Protective Modes.

Here's an example that might help clarify this. Growing up in my family home, I felt like I had to be in control all the time. I was constantly on edge, trying to predict what mood my caregiver would be in. This need for control wasn’t just a quirk—it was my protective mode, a way to create safety in an unpredictable environment.

At that time, control served me. It helped me meet my needs for predictability and safety. But as I grew older, this protective mode became less helpful. I was drained from constantly being vigilant, unable to relax or enjoy the present moment.

I learned that the first step to breaking free from these outdated protective modes was to cultivate safety within myself, starting with self-compassion. Instead of judging myself for needing control, I began to understand where it came from and honoured the role it played in my life.

From there, I learned to activate other more adaptive protective modes like setting healthy boundaries, practising meditation, and using non-violent communication. These strategies helped me meet my needs more effectively and allowed me to regulate my nervous system and live in a relaxed response.

This shift in this perspective has been life-changing for me. It’s about moving from self-criticism to self-compassion and creating a life that truly serves my needs.