Hate fighting? How to Stay Curious in Times of Conflict + BONUS Repair Guide

Ever catch yourself slipping into defensiveness in the middle of a hard conversation?

Or feeling that urgent need to fix it, smooth it over, or just shut it all down?

You’re not the only one.

One of my clients recently said:

"I always go into fix-it mode. I either try to smooth things over or downplay what they’re saying with something like, ‘I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you think.’”

Another client? Her reflex is anger—snapping, shutting down, or pushing back fast and hard. She told me, "It feels safer to be angry than it does to sit in discomfort."

Sound familiar?

This is so common—especially for those of us who were never taught how to stay present when things get emotionally messy. But here’s the shift I teach (and practise myself): Instead of shutting it down or blowing it up, try staying curious. Curious about their feelings. Their experience. Their reality.

Staying curious in conflict is an adaptive protective mode. In the Needs Mapping Technique this is one of the tools we could develop for you to use to meet your needs instead of reaching for rage or isolation.

 

5 Prompts to Stay Curious -

💬 “Tell me more about how that makes you feel.”

💬 “Walk me through how you came to understand that.”

💬 “I can see you’re really hurt by that—tell me more.”

💬 “What would have felt better for you in that moment?”

💬 “Tell me more about what you did—or are—experiencing.”

You don’t have to agree to be curious.You just need to be willing to listen.

When you model emotional presence—especially in the heat of conflict—it creates space for the other person to soften too. It's not about performing the perfect response. It's about creating emotional safety in real time.

 

The 4 Steps to True Repair

Repair is what happens after rupture. It’s the conscious choice to reconnect, clarify, and validate someone’s experience, not to erase the hurt, but to show up for it. Perfect for ruptures in relationships, between you and your kiddos, your parents or your friends.

Here’s the 4-step framework I use with clients and in my own life:

1. Repeat

Say back what you heard to show you were really listening.

“I hear you saying that when I bring up how I feel, it makes you feel dismissed.”

2. Validate

Acknowledge their feelings without trying to justify or defend.

“That totally sucks—and I can see how that would feel hurtful.”

3. Apologise

Own your part without watering it down.

“I’m really sorry.”

4. Intention

Make a real commitment for next time.

“I’m going to do my best to catch that and handle it differently going forward.”

Repair doesn’t mean getting it perfect.It means choosing connection over being right.