Ever catch yourself saying, “I should be doing this” or “I shouldn’t have done that”? That sneaky little voice is trying to incentivize your behaviour to change. Why? Because it’s actually trying to protect you and get your needs met. Surprise!
It believes that if you change your behaviour, your needs will be better met.
Take, for example, Susie. Susie's family of origin preferred quiet. Her parents showed less love (acceptance, closeness, affection, understanding) towards her when she became too loud, had differing opinions, or expressed emotions they couldn’t tolerate. Conversely, when she was quieter and more "well-behaved," she was more included, accepted, and even praised by her family.
So, Susie learned that to get her needs for love met, she had to change her instinctual behavior: be less, stay quiet, and comply.
This reaction is reasonable. For a child who doesn't have the ability to regulate their own emotions or provide their own shelter, food, love, community, or much of a sense of self, it's understandable that they would adopt this protective mode of "should-ing" to change their behaviour and better meet their needs.
Now, as Susie grows, she may find that this protective mode has become maladaptive—more harmful than helpful. She may want to stop “should-ing” all over herself because it doesn’t feel very good. It’s a lot of pressure, relentless, isn't actually stopped meeting her need for love (only giving the illusion of it), and feels kind of gross 💩.
Here’s where the fun comes in: Susie now gets to consciously
meet this need in a new way.
My recommendations for Susie:
Spot the Sneaky Voice: The first step is to catch yourself when you’re “should-ing” all over the place. See this protective mode for what it is—a voice trying to help by guiding you towards meeting your needs. It is not YOUR voice.
Have a Chat: Once you’ve spotted this voice, start a little convo with it. Ask yourself what need you’re trying to meet with all the “shoulds.” Is it safety, love, acceptance, or something else?
Get Creative: Instead of drowning in “shoulds,” brainstorm more fun and fulfilling ways to meet those needs. For example, if you’re craving safety, is it time to set some boundaries? If you’re craving more love, could you make a request from a partner, friend, or family member? If it’s a feeling of enoughness you’re after, can you do something that reminds you of your worth? Move your body, journal, practice gratitude, or meditate?
These are some great examples of adult protective modes.
By spotting and reframing your “shoulds,” you can turn that bully voice into a nurturing one that helps you meet your needs in healthier, happier ways.
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